A long time ago, in college, I went through a really tough period in my life I felt like God had abandoned me. The enemy was doing a dance on my head. He was filling my mind with lies that God didn’t love me. God didn’t care. I was all alone in the world. None of those things are true, but in the state I was in, I believed them. Doubts and discouragement are hurled at the Christian, all the time. God says the enemy prowls the earth like a lion, looking to see who he can devour. That’s a pretty descriptive picture of the enemy.

When I went through this period, I honestly felt like my prayers were going no where. My brain was so clouded, I couldn’t remember that God hears everyone of my prayers. God knows exactly how each of his children feel. But the lies were coming at me like herculean game of dodge ball and I couldn’t escape. Even though I believed my prayers were bouncing of the ceiling, I prayed anyways. I had no other choice. I had no other safety net.

During this difficult time, I got to the place where I just felt numb. It was my protection. I had no joy in anything. I felt no feelings at all, just numbness. I had prayed and prayed and prayed, seemingly hopelessly. Feeling like the ugly step child, the wicked step parent hides in the basement. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to be free from this oppressing cloud of doubt and depression that had invaded my life. God didn’t answer me. He just told me to wait.

In that waiting time, I felt like it was excruciating. Relief wasn’t coming and so, like a zombie, I went through the motions of living. I would go to class, come back to my room, go to classes, eat at the cafeteria, and then go to bed. That was my routine: get up, go to class, go eat at the cafeteria, then go to bed at night. I would do the same thing over and over again, feeling absolutely no joy.

Then God rescued me. He had heard every single one of my prayers. He never left me. He sent three people into my life to minister to me and lift me up. The third person he sent to me was someone I knew from our classes together, but that was it. We didn’t know each other very well, but he asked to speak to me one day at lunch. As he spoke, he brought up things I had only told God. At that moment, I realized God was speaking to me, through this guy. And when I realized that, I remembered that God said He would never leave us or forsake us. The cloud I had been living under, began to lift. We spoke for over an hour and I left with such encouragement. I could see clearly now.

When we’re stuck in the waiting time, we need to remember the truth of who God is. We can’t believe the lies the enemy whispers in our ears. We need to call up the promises God has told us. He says He loves us. He says He will never leave us or forsake us. God doesn’t lie. These are truths and promises. So if you’re going through a waiting time, be careful of the enemy. He’s seeking to destroy you with lies. Don’t believe them for a second. Believe God’s truths instead.

The two birdies pictured with this post are bee-eaters. They eat primarily bees and wasps. They get rid of the stingers by hitting the bee or wasp on a hard surface until it’s dislodged. They also get rid of most of the venom through this process. We as Christians, need to be tough like these bee eaters. We need to pray and read the Bible like the bee eater vigorously prepares the bee to eat.

Who have I put my faith in? I’m still waiting, in the waiting time. Praying and hoping God will answer me. I can see why God has us wait. He makes us wait, so that we get still enough to reflect on who He is. That’s what I’ve been doing. This waiting time brings me straight to God.

That’s what God did with Job, after Job lost everything. Job found himself sitting on an ash heap scratching his sores, and longing for death. Then God came out of a whirlwind and spoke to Job. He asks Job questions:

Do you know the time the mountain goats give birth?

Do you observe the calving of the deer?

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Who set its measurements? Or stretched the line on it? On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid its cornerstone?

Who enclosed the sea with doors?

Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place?

Have you seen the gates of deep darkness?

Where is the way to the dwelling of light?

Have you entered the storehouses of the snow?

Who has begotten the drops of dew?

Do you know the ordinances of the heavens?

Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, so than an abundance of water will cover you?

Who has put wisdom in the innermost being, or given understanding to the mind?

Do you have an arm like God?

Can you thunder with a voice like His?

You can read Job 39-41, to see all that God tells Job. It’s a good read. It reminds me of who exactly I have put my trust in. God is greater than I can ever imagine. His love is deeper and beyond anything I am capable of. I think I love my children, but it doesn’t compare to God’s love for me. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. His power is mightier than anything.

The world tells us to trust in ourselves. It tells us we are basically good. But we aren’t. There is none that are righteous, no not one. I have put my faith and trust in the One who knows all, sees all, who is all powerful. The One, who even the winds and the sea obey Him.

You would do well to put your trust in God too. We can’t rely and other humans, it’s only God and God alone who loved us enough to save us from our sins and provide a way for salvation.

And that’s who I have put my faith in. So in this waiting time, I enjoy the peace of knowing I have put my trust in God who loves me so. That’s a very securing feeling.

 

In this waiting time, I review in my head exactly what I believe. I say that God loves me, but do I believe it? Most of the time I do. I say that God hears my prayers, but do I believe it? Most of the time I do. I say that God knows my need, but do I believe it? Most of the time I do.

Most of the time I do. But what about those times when I don’t? God has said in His word, that we can move mountains with just the faith of a mustard seed. Do you know how small a mustard seed is? It’s so, very tiny. It’s smaller than a cherry pit. It’s smaller than a peppercorn.  It’s maybe about the size of a head of a pin. You know, those straight pins people use to sew with? All I need is a tiny, amount of faith. I keep wondering when I feel like God has deserted me, how much faith do I have? Is it as much as the head of a pin?

So I have taken up a practice to help me in this time. I need to remember. I need to remember all those times God has blessed me and answered my prayers. I began to go back in my memory and pull those times from there. As I do, the doubt begins to fade away. The fear begins to wash away. What a blessing.

God has answered my prayers. Time and time again, He has been faithful to me – faithless me. We sang a song in church today and one of the lines in it is, “I am who You say I am.” The song goes on to explain how we are loved and cared for.

I can’t bank on my own faith. I have to bank on God’s character. My faith is wishy-washy, at times. And that’s what God tells me in His word. To cast our cares upon Him, for He cares for us. He doesn’t ask me to put my faith in myself. That’s just foolish. He asks me to put my faith in Him and He will provide.

In walking this life with God, in times like these, I have to remember. I need to remember God’s character. I need to remember all the times He has provided for me and answered my prayers.

And so far, as I look back on my life I haven’t found one time that God has been faithless to me. I can’t find anytime in my memory bank, that God has let me down or hurt me. Hindsight is twenty/twenty, and there are plenty of times I didn’t understand what God was doing. But He is true to His word. He loves me. He knows my need, and He’s heard my prayers. I don’t think this is the one time he’s going to leave me high and dry. He never violates His character or His word. So since He has never left me or forsaken me, I will hang on during this waiting time and remind myself of what God has done.

I posted a picture of a bird, at the top of this post because it reminds me how God cares for the little bird, how much more will He care for me.

I am still in the waiting time. I got two disappointments this week and felt discouraged. I had to remind myself of the facts: God loves me, God has heard my prayers, and God knows our need. At times, it’s not easy. As I was feeling discouraged this week, a story popped in my head that tells my story right now.

Meindert de Jong writes a book called, “The House of Sixty Fathers.” It’s a story about a young Chinese boy separated from his parents during the Chinese civil war. He’s lost and can’t find his way back home. An American airman finds the boy and brings him back to his station with sixty airman. (Thus the title).

The part of the story I remember is when the boy is brought back to the barracks. Both the airman that found him and the boy learn to sign to each other and seem to become friends. When the airman comes back with the boy, he sits him on a bed. The boy is so hungry his stomach hurts. Another airman, comes in with a huge tray of food, to bring to the boy. The boy sees it and gets so excited because he’s been slowly starving to death. As the airman approaches the boy with the tray of food, the airman that brought him steps in front of the approaching airman and stops him from delivering the tray of food to the boy. The boy can’t understand English. He becomes extremely angry at his “friend,” for stopping the food. He starts to cry loudly. He can’t understand why his so-called friend would take away the food from him. He wants to hurt the airman, like he feels hurt. He’s so confused as to why the “friend” would want to hurt him in this way.

What the boy doesn’t understand, is that the “friend” knows he will get violently sick if he eats the food, the other airman brought him. Because he’s been starving, he has to eat very little, to get used to it. And probably only tiny bites of bread and sips of water. The “friend” cares for the boy and doesn’t want to hurt him, but all the boy sees is that his “friend” is trying to hurt him.

I’m the starving Chinese boy when I face times of discouragement. I can’t see the bigger picture, yet God can. I have to remember that God loves me and doesn’t want to harm me. The lingering unanswered prayer doesn’t mean God is trying to hurt me. That’s not who God is. I don’t know why God is taking so long in answering my prayer, but I must hang onto the fact that God loves me.

So if you are facing discouragement or maybe even feelings of hurt by God, remember the Chinese boy. What he wanted so badly, would actually cause harm to him. The airman who took away the food was saving him. God is always watching out for us. What may appear like he doesn’t love us, is a lie. He doesn’t violate His own character and He loves us. He never stops. He has my best interests at heart. He has your best interests at heart. Don’t be deceived. God wants the best for us. I can’t see it now. If you are  going through something, you can’t see it. But never forget: God loves us, always.

In this waiting time, I found a verse I’ve been dwelling on. It encourages me.

Isaiah 30:18 “Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him.”

Thinking about this verse, I thought of my daughter when she went to England last April. She had wanted to go to England for so long, and now was her chance. We stayed in London for a week to tour, before she had to get on a bus and go six hours north to her new home for eight weeks. As we neared the time, when she would take off, my daughter got more and more irritable. I knew she was struggling with the stress of going to a new place, all by herself. It’s something she always wanted to do, but the reality of it actually happening frightened her.

We arrived at the bus station and my daughter was terrified. She stood there, near the group of people that were also going. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. In my mind, I wondered if she would actually get on the bus, it seemed this completely overwhelmed her. But it was what she wanted. She has wanted this for a long time.

My husband and I decided to go sit down and let my daughter get used to the idea of getting on that bus. I just asked her the other day if we had asked her if she wanted to go home, would she? She said she would have.

So I sat across the bus station looking on my daughter who looked so scared. I wondered if we were cruel parents for making her do this. But this is what she wanted. She’s always wanted to go to England, and this was her chance. But was she ready? Could she handle this? Should we just rescue her and tell her just to come back to the hotel with us and we could all go home.

I knew in my heart, this was good for her. She would be fine at the school. She would make friends and enjoy herself immensely. And that is exactly what happened. She had such a good time, she sobbed to leave the place. She made so many friends, she’s talked over and over about going back.

I would give my right arm for my child. Watching her standing there, scared out of her mind, at the bus station, hurt me. I wanted her to be okay. I knew she would be okay. But in that moment, I longed to be gracious to her. I knew, if she managed to just get on that bus, it would be one of the greatest experiences of her life.

And that’s what the verse of Isaiah tells me. I’m still waiting on the Lord. And what seems hard and maybe even harsh, it’s not so. God waits on high to have compassion on me. He longs to be gracious to me. And as I look at my circumstances I cling to that knowledge. It is just like watching my daughter look so afraid, but knowing if she could just hang on and get on the bus, things would be so great. God has good things for me, so I wait.